Achieve Balance Today Blog

Dealing with Teenagers: Communication with Teenagers and Raising Teenagers Tips for Parents

admin — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 15:48:40 +0000

It has been said that being the parent of a teenager is similar to that of being a parent of a child from Mars. They look different than you, act differently from you, and speak another language. Yet the parent’s job in raising teenagers should not be neglected, but what’s a parent to do when their own teenaged child seems to be completely “alien” to them?

Communicating with teenagers doesn’t have to be that way. Remember when you were a teenager? It really isn’t too different today. The less your son or daughter tells you about their life, the more independence they feel that they have. They begin to create a new identity. It is part of the natural process of growing up.

Unfortunately, sometimes our teenage youth make poor decisions. They need your help, parents, even if they don’t ask for it. Many of the questions about life that we faced when we were young still exist in today’s youth. What am I going to do when I grow up? Am I cool enough to be liked? How do I fit in? Am I wearing the right clothes? Why don’t my parents understand me? Does he/she really like me?

The good news about dealing with teenagers: You can help your teenage son or daughter navigate this challenging time in their life. First, it is important to make time to spend with your son or daughter every day. Whether it is doing homework, eating dinner as a family, or talking about school, making time for your child will provide a foundation of trust. Second, focus on the positives more than the negatives. Think 80% positive and 20% correction. Finally, build open lines of communication. Remember, the most important thing that your son or daughter wants is to be heard and understood by you.

Will they tell you everything that is going on in their life? No, not at first. Over time, however, you will see that your teen will trust you and confide in you.

By Jason Davis, MS, LPC-Intern, Supervised by Dr. Judy DeTrude, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT

Jason has over 15 years of experience working with adolescents, and is passionate about helping them with problems such as bullying, depression, anxiety, anger, as well as improving interpersonal communication skills. Jason Davis is a Resident Counselor at Ann’s Place.

Social Skills Activities for Kids: Special Needs Apps for Aspergers Syndrome

admin — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:09:09 +0000

Technology is making the task of teaching social skills to children with Aspergers a lot more fun than it use to be. Special needs apps for Asperger’s Syndrome for the iPad are leading the way in terms of ease of use and superior graphics, and proving to be an excellent source of social skills activities for kids dealing with a variety of special needs issues, from autism to Asperger’s. Here are 8 great apps for Aspergers children:

Model Me Going Places Free (Model Me Kids)

This app offers 6 icons that involve social stories related to places children frequently encountered in daily life. The visual cues and images are professionally done. The six social stories include Hairdresser, Mall, Doctor, Playground, Grocery Store and Restaurant.

iCommunicate $49.99 (Grembe, Inc.)

With this app your child can create pictures, storyboards, routines and visual schedules. You can also create custom audio in any language. This app enables you to include pictures from your camera or Google images.

GarageBand $4.99 (Apple)

This application allows children to learn to play a musical instrument. There are several instruments to choose from and learning is interactive. Children can record themselves playing the instrument and then play it back. The app also provides instruction on writing music and composing an original piece.

Pictello $18.99 (AssistiveWare)

This app is comprised of a storybook for activities of daily living. Your child can incorporate personal pictures in order to help them share verbally with others.

ABA Flashcards-Emotion Free (Kindergarten.com)

This app provides a classic social skills development tool with a twist. The emotion cards show pictures of children actually engaging in the emotion in natural settings. The lifelike images and realistic settings should make transfer of training more comprehensive.

Social Stories $6.00 (MDR)

This social skills activity for kids uses real to life pictures and stories that children will encounter every day. Examples include classroom rules, reciprocal play and taking turns. There and 6 stories total.

Tom the Talking Cat $.99 (Outfit7)

The cat in this app repeats what is said and even imitates pitch and tone. Great communication tool and practice for speech.

Loopz $1.99 (Mattel)

This app requires your child to follow the music that is played and copy it from memory. It is great tool for building memory and listening skills. You can even purchase the board game to play along with the app.

Jo Ann Broquie is licensed in Texas as a Licensed Specialist in School Psychology and a Licensed Professional Counselor. www.achievebalance.org

Parenting Teenagers: Understanding Teenagers and Setting Boundaries For Teenagers While Increasing Their Freedoms

admin — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 14:00:55 +0000

“Sink or Swim.”

If you have teenagers you know what I am talking about. When children reach the ages of 15-17 parents begin to wonder whether or not it is time to let them make their own decisions. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart.

Of course teens believe they know everything and can navigate life’s decisions on their own. With age comes wisdom, however, and parents can set boundaries for teenagers and enforce explicit rules to help teens transition away from ‘mom and dad decisions’ and learn to make good choices on their own. Here are some guidelines you may find helpful:

Establish non-negotiables up front. When parenting teenagers, safety and well-being cannot be compromised. Let your teen know that behaviors such as drinking, drug use, and risky driving will not be tolerated. No exceptions.
Discuss rules open to compromise. Household rules such as curfews, household chores, your teen’s financial responsibilities, and homework policies, are most effective when they are established as a result of discussion with your teen. Allow natural logical consequences to follow failures to comply.
Pick your battles. Clothing choices, hairstyles, music choices, and which club or sport to be a part of might be good decisions to leave up to your teen. If that weird band t-shirt or goofy hair style won’t have an adverse effect on your teen’s success, then letting go of the battle may allow her to feel in control of some aspect of her life. Understanding teenagers is to know which of their behaviors are innocent efforts of self-expression, and which ones are rooted in more troublesome activities or attitudes.

If your teen continues to struggle with the non-negotiables, gets in trouble at school, or cannot keep to the boundaries you set, it may be time to seek counseling. Family therapy and individual sessions for your teen can be an effective and safe way for your child to work through difficult issues. A trained counselor can help families work together as a unit to create rules and boundaries in a non-threatening environment.

Jennifer Meehan MA, LPC has worked for the last 15 years in public education and knows has experience working with students and their families in dealing with, ADD/ADHD, anger, autism, defiance, conduct disorders, and abuse. www.achievebalance.org

The “Normal Family” – What Makes a Strong Family, and Attributes of Strong Families

admin — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 12:57:32 +0000

As a counselor for over 15 years, I often hear the need for a normal family. Normal is defined as conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern. The thought of a conforming teenager may appear humorous, yet the need for stability and normalcy is not. With such clients, I assess their perception of a normal family. Answers vary, but I find that strong and productive families share similar characteristics including the enforcement of rules, clear communication, and acceptance of change.

Vigorous yet happy and strong families have rules that are specific, respected by all members, and consistently enforced. Rules in the home help family members develop clear expectations, support a stable environment, and decrease the frequency of control and power struggles. What makes a strong family is when family members know where authority lies and respect the opinions of all members while also acknowledging the opportunity to negotiate and discuss any problems or family issues.

Clear communication is another contributor to strong families. Members take responsibility for their statements and respectfully communicate with others. Even though expressing thoughts and feelings involves facing certain risks – one may encounter opposition, disagreement, and hurt – these expressions are validated and welcomed in healthy families.

A third characteristic of strong families is the realization and understanding of change. Although it is human nature to resist change, strong families have a tendency to accept change and members understand the ever-present concept of change. These families have a clear understanding of developmental stages and are thus able to successfully assimilate and accommodate when change is necessary. Family members understand life stages and accept each member’s individual growth.

In conclusion, while no perfect recipe produces perfect families, a “normal family” is achieved when these important ingredients are considered and implemented. Incorporating the above characteristics is a great way to start strengthening your family relationships.

Tia Parsley, MEd, LPC, LCDC has experience assisting adolescents and their families with issues such as addiction, anger management, depression, anxiety, communication, parenting, and stress management. Lear more about TIa Parsley the these websites: www.achievebalance.org and www.tiaparsley.com.

Explosive Anger: Managing Anger Outbursts and Anger Issues in Children

admin — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:03:31 +0000

Being the parent of a child with explosive anger is not easy.

Being the parent of a child with explosive anger is not easy. You try bribes, compromises, and strategies to avoid triggers. Too often, because of their anger outbursts, these children also end up with serious discipline problems at school. All of this may leave you feeling overwhelmed. Here a few tips that may help.

First, let your child know it is okay to feel anger and it is the behavioral reaction that makes the difference between out-of-control explosive anger and positively dealing with the angry feeling. Teach your child that when he or she is angry it is okay to say “I’m angry,” but anger outbursts that result in the child acting violent, hurting self or others, or breaking things is NOT okay.

As a parent, when you hear your child expressing anger verbally, show empathy by stating “It looks like you are angry. Can you tell me about it so I can help?” If your child is behaving inappropriately (hitting, biting, etc.) simply state that the behavior is not allowed. Next, direct your child to a cool down period separate from the action. Repeat, “We don’t hit. Hitting hurts.”

Further, help your child express his feelings by teaching “I” statements. Have your child complete this sentence frequently, even when not angry, to get accustomed to expressing feelings: “I feel (sad, mad, afraid) when _______ happens because_______.” Take turns with your child and use different feeling words like, “I feel proud when you pick up your clothes because you are helping me out,” or “I feel angry when I lose my keys because we might be late.”

Finally, check your own reaction to anger. Anger issues in children are often the result of modeling what they see and hear, so if you are expressing anger over the driver who cut you off, your child may copy you. Never become abusive or violent.

Jennifer Meehan, M.Ed., LPC, NCC 15 years experience in public education. You can find out more about Jennifer Meehan and her work with children by visiting www.achievebalance.org or call 936.697.2822

Blended Family Counseling: Using the Developmental Model for Addressing Blended Family Issues

admin — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 14:12:31 +0000

In order to assist blended families, counselors can use the Developmental Model by Patricia Papernow (1993) as a means to understand the specific issues that a blended family encounters. This model allows for movement back and forth through the stages of blended family counseling, since crises may precipitate movement to the earlier stages.

Papernow’s (1993) model for addressing blended family issues consists of three main stages, with substages existing within each of the major stages. The first is the Early Stage, with Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness as the substages of this level. The second is the Middle Stage with Mobilization and Action as the substages. The third stage is called the Later Stage with Contact and Resolution as the substages.

The pace of families moving through these stages depends upon the support for the family. Faster families can move through the model in four years, but this would be the minority of families. The average blended family will take seven years to move through the stages, and they usually spend two to three years in the earlier stages. For slower families, they may spend up to four years in the earlier stages, and it may take them up to 12 years to complete the cycle. Without blended family counseling, some families may stay stuck in the earlier stages, and this can end in divorce.

The model examines the losses that all members encounter in the Early Stages and the wishes (especially of children) to return to their prior family structure. The biological relationships are stronger at this point, and stepparents are considered as outsiders. During Mobilization, all parts of the family system begin to find their voice. This leads to Action when the family decides to form a step family structure. In the final stages, the members of the blended family form meaningful relationships with one another.

Counselors can access this model to plot where the blended family may be stuck, where the loss issues are, and also what needs to happen to help this blended family function as a system.

Resource

Papernow, P. (1993). Becoming a stepfamily: Patterns of development in remarried families. Gestalt Institute of Cleveland Press.

Family Therapy Services: Good Family Therapy Techniques are Instructed by Family Traditions and Rituals

admin — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:08:52 +0000

When providing family therapy services, it is important to understand how a family system functions. An important assessment of this is the presence or absence of rituals. Rituals in families have many purposes. They can tell us how people relate to one another, what rituals are used to help the family heal, how people identify themselves and accept change, what families believe and how families celebrate.

It is also important to understand the parts of a ritual. People can use symbols that are meaningful to them, and with these symbols, there is a symbolic action to carry out the ritual. A symbol can have structured parts and/or open parts. Rituals can be carried out in a special time and/or a special place.

There are also types of rituals such as those we do on a daily basis. These rituals can be simple and spontaneous or very intentional and unique. There are lots of possibilities to change these kinds of rituals. Some examples of daily rituals include saying grace at dinner or where people sit at the dinner table. Another example of a daily ritual is how people say goodbye to each other or how they greet each other. A third example is what happens during bedtime with children.

The second type of ritual is family traditions. These are the family days that are written on calendars. Others outside of the family may not recognize the time and space of these family traditions, and the people within the family usually go to work or school on these days. Families can have flexibility with these family traditions. Examples of these rituals include birthdays and anniversaries. It is important to ask people if there are cakes, special dinners or parties with people outside the immediate family.

The third category is family holiday celebrations which can be complicated, because the media and culture and dictate how people “should” celebrate. There is often much pressure on families during these rituals. These are the rituals that are already stamped on a calendar such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.

The last category of rituals is the life-cycle rituals. These are the rituals that help people pass through life. They help to mark the beginning and ending of relationships. Examples of these are births, deaths and funerals, and weddings.

Counselors and therapists of family therapy services help families whose rituals are minimized, interrupted or unflexible. Therefore, the best family therapy techniques will consider what the family’s ideal rituals and traditions may be, and how the members can be returned to celebrate them once again.

Dr. Judy DeTrude is licensed in Texas as a Professional Counselor (LPC) and a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and is an Authorized Supervisor for each of the licenses.

Resource

Black, Evan Imber and Roberts, Janine (1998). Rituals for our times: Healing and changing our lives and relationships. Jason Aronson, Inc.

Stages of Grief and Loss Counseling Techniques: Ritual in the Grief Cycle

admin — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 17:00:32 +0000

Researchers (Holmes and Rahe, 1967 ) have studied grief cycle processes and assigned stress levels to items. Loss of a spouse and loss of a child are the highest stress levels. Others that we may not often think about are losses that occur with moving, changing schools, financial issues, and health problems.

We cannot generalize about the grief cycle or expect everyone to process through stages of grief and loss in the same way. For example, loss of a spouse is rated the highest for causing stress, but consider it from different perspectives. A spouse who dies suddenly may cause more of a loss than the spouse who has been ill for some time. There is no road map for grief, and each loss must be examined aside from any others. Couples may experience the same loss, but they may grieve very differently. When one spouse does not understand the grieving process of the other, marital problems can surface. Different grief and loss counseling techniques are often utilized by therapists to be sensitive to the varying needs of couples going through the grief cycle together.

Grief and loss counseling techniques for couples and families can often find a unifying strength in rituals. Rituals are such an important part of our lives. We often take them for granted and do not even realize that we have rituals, or recognize how they impact our lives. This is also true of rituals surrounding death. Every culture approaches death differently, and every family within those cultures may have its own way of experiencing death. We can make statements and generalize to cultures and groups and how they deal with death and how they ritualistically process stages of grief and loss, but we know many divert from the expectations.

An example of a ritualistic approach to addressing stages of grief and loss is the NAMES Project. The NAMES Project began as a way to affirm the life of every man, woman, and child who had died of AIDS. It was a healing grief cycle ritual where people added squares to a quilt, each square representing a person who had died.

Dr. Judy DeTrude is licensed in Texas as a Professional Counselor (LPC) and a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and is an Authorized Supervisor for each of the licenses.

Resources

Holmes and Rahe ( August,1967). Social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2).

Walsh, F. and McGoldrick, M. (2004). Living beyond loss: Death in the family.W.W. Norton & Company: N.Y.

Bipolar Symptoms in Children: Signs of Bipolar Disorder and Responding to Bipolar Behavior

admin — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:01:55 +0000

Parents are often terrified by the notion their child suffers from bipolar disorder and information can be difficult to find. Bipolar disorder is a chronic brain disorder.

Bipolar Symptoms in Children

Signs of bipolar disorder may include bouts of extreme and impairing changes in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior. According to research, cases of bipolar disorder have been found in every age group studied, including preschoolers.

Recognizing Signs of Bipolar Disorder

In order to understand the behavior of children diagnosed with pediatric-onset bipolar disorder, it is important to understand stress and mood and how it manifests in signs of bipolar behavior. In response to a stimulus, our body secretes hormones activating the stress response that signals us to feel (happy, sad, afraid, surprised, angry) and behave (smile, cry, run away, jump, fight). Once the stimulus has passed or changed, our body can usually return to a state of rest. Bipolar symptoms in children may be recognized when they have difficulty returning their body to this state of rest after exposure to stimulus, and as a result often suffer from debilitating distress.

Responding to Bipolar Behavior

Parenting a child with bipolar disorder involves understanding and accommodating this state of distress. Of all bipolar symptoms in children, this needs to be the primary issue gauged by the parent. Here are some common parenting issues and suggested responses:

You worry that you are not ‘parenting right.’
Instead, remember that although parenting skills can have a protective effect on a child with bipolar behavior, there is no cure for bipolar disorder.
You feel your own temper rising.
Avoid emotional responses that escalate the situation. With younger children, learn ‘safe but firm’ restraints to avoid injury.
You respond critically to your child for things out of her control: “This wouldn’t have happened if you had only stopped to think!”
Don’t punish biology. Take time away from your child and develop natural logical consequences for actions committed as a result of bipolar behavior. Enforce them consistently.
You try to do it alone.
Bipolar symptoms in children is challenging for the best parents. Ask for help.

Resources: The Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation at www.bpkids.org, and http://www.bipolarchild.com

Marriage After an Affair: Ending an Affair and Beginning Marriage and Family Counseling

admin — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:18:44 +0000

An affair is survivable. Millions of couples choose to stay together for many reasons. More often than not there is still love and a longing for the marriage to continue and this is what brings couples to marriage and family counseling. Therapy, along with the couple’s determination, can help a marriage after an affair not only survive the affair but also thrive and become the marriage for which both have always longed.

Therapy following an affair consists of helping the couple through three phases: ending the affair, complete transparency, and forgiveness.

First, the affair must end. Ending an affair has to be not only an ending for the partner who conducted the affair, but also an ending that satisfies the partner who did not have the affair. Because of this it is important that both partners have a role. For example the partner who had the affair may write an ending letter to the person he or she became involved with and the partner who did not have the affair will mail it. This display of togetherness may help them become a team again.

In order for the marriage to begin the journey toward the couple becoming united again after ending an affair, the partner who had the affair must commit to complete transparency. Nothing can be off limits. Cell phones, computer passwords, and email accounts must always be available without hesitation for inspection when requested. Every question, no matter how painful, must be answered with humility.

The final step the couple must take is forgiveness. The betrayed partner must forgive the betraying partner, and the betraying partner must forgive him/herself. This last step is not something that happens on a particular date. Rather it is a journey that the couple will travel every day, and a journey where having access to the guidance of a marriage and family counseling therapist can be most helpful. With the help of marriage and family counseling couples can execute these three steps, survive the affair, and achieve the marriage of their dreams.