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Archive for the ‘Anxiety and Stress’ Category

Help! I’m Angry All the Time

Friday, February 5th, 2021

sad woman

When you read the title of this blog, there is a good chance you won’t think it’s for you.

My intended reader knows something is wrong with the relationship, but she hasn’t connected to her own anger yet. Maybe she is laser-focused on the things her partner is doing that don’t make sense:

“Why does he say those hurtful things?”

“Why does she drink so much?”

“Why do they tell me I’m the one making them act this way?”

Maybe you know someone who is angry all the time. Maybe you are reading because that someone is angry at you.

No, you dear reader, are probably not my intended audience. But in case you are, or if right now you are thinking of someone who might be, then I invite you to read on. First, I’m going to tell you about the origins of anger, why it persists from the past into the present, and how it affects everything. Next, I will help you live with someone who is angry at you. Finally, I’ll speak to the anger-sufferer and help her prepare with tools and strategies. Here goes.

The Slow Lumberjack

Imagine you have a neighbor who decides to cut down a tree. He’s never done it before so he just rents the axe (I don’t know if you can actually rent an axe, but let’s just say he’s not invested enough in tree cutting to actually buy an axe, so he rents one). Watching from your window, you see him walk up to the tree, axe in hand, and just stand there. Slowly and with some effort, he lifts it by the handle and backswings like it’s a baseball bat. He swings (batter batter) like he’s putting a fastball over the fence and connects with the tree. Just as quickly he drops the axe and yells “Ouch!” (Or something like that. You’re no lip reader but you’ve watched enough professional sports on TV to recognize an F-bomb when you see it). He picks up the axe like he’s grabbing the hand of a naughty toddler and stomps to his garage, where he is enveloped by the shadow of his SUV.

Every few weeks he repeats the pattern, almost like he’s got axe amnesia. Swinging an axe against a healthy tree seems to be pretty painful for him but once a month there he is, swinging away. Good news is the tree seems to be winning. Bad news, the tree is covered with the evidence of his lumberjack incompetence. Even when he eventually gives up and plants some flowers and hangs a bird feeder nearby it can’t disguise the very obvious scars on the tree. After a few years of no lumberjacking though, the scars seem to fade and the tree almost looks like any other tree in the yard.

But it’s not. Anyone who’s taken a field trip to an arboretum and checked out that cool cross-section of a tree while the docent explained all of the fires, frosts, and general pandemonium the tree survived before some asshat cut it down and put it in an arboretum knows the scars are always there. They may get covered by a woody grow ring, but the damage remains part of the tree’s history.

People experience the same kind of scarring. Just like years of sun and rain can’t heal an axe mark, second honeymoons to Cozumel and flowers ‘just because’ do not heal the trauma caused by harmful words. The body maintains the record. According to John H. Krystal, M.D., of Yale University School of Medicine [https://www.bbrfoundation.org/faq/frequently-asked-questions-about-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd] in some cases, particularly where it is not treated, trauma can last a very long time, perhaps the remainder of one’s life.

Hello Lumberjack

What is trauma? How do I know when I have hurt someone? Why wasn’t I told this when I got into a relationship? Will there be snacks?

If you are reading this and you think possibly YOU are the ‘lumberjack’ in this metaphor, then welcome to the human race. We’ve all hurt someone. Whether inadvertently or intentionally, we have all said things that leave scars. To make it even more complicated, pain is personal. What wounds me may not affect you. The past definitely plays a role (think childhood, family of origin, traumatic experiences) but so do current stress levels and physical health. The important point for now is for you to recognize deciding what is ‘hurtful’ or ‘not hurtful’ for someone else based on what hurts YOU is a lousy idea.

Tools for Recovering Lumberjacks

If you are living with someone who is angry and you suspect you are the lumberjack, you are in the right place. I want to help you exchange your axe for some better tools (even better than landscaping). They are: Social Cues and Feedback.

But first, some context.

I want you to think back to the last time you were at a gathering with your parents’ friends, or a lunch with your grandparents, or a dinner meeting with those business partners you just met. What you may not have realized while you were sipping your iced tea or Jim Beam, is that your amazing limbic system was on high alert. Like a glandular Mr. Miyagi it was helping you react appropriately to perceived threats in your environment we call Social Cues and Feedback.

  1. Social Cues are general behaviors exhibited by one or more conversation companions in your general vicinity. Cues can include changes in voice tone, a certain phrase, or even a step toward the door. They can let you know your new boss is politely exiting your company, Mrs. Jones would like a refill on her iced tea, or grandpa needs help reaching the photo album.
  2. Similar to social cues, Feedback is a subtle signal from a single conversation partner. Think of it as a ‘red light’ or a ‘green light.’ Smiles, nods, conversation extenders, and words of affirmation can signal green light; dig in and explain why you should head the next project or be the beneficiary on Aunt Edna’s life insurance policy. Frowns, parallel lines appearing between the eyebrows, or hands palms up can signal red light; your conversation partner is defensive, you made a wrong move you need to correct, or you just landed an axe chop you must apologize and make amends for.

Angry Little Trees

Recovering Lumberjacks must make apologies and amends if they want to preserve the relationship (see my blog on what makes a good apology here) but what about the injured tree? What about the anger-sufferer who is reading this and it’s dawning on them that, “Hey, this blog IS about me and I AM ANGRY!”

  • First, validate the anger. Whatever the Lumberjack did, it really happened. It really happened to you. It really happened to you and it hurt. It is not your responsibility to reform the Lumberjack or be a better tree. You did not cause your own pain and so it is not your job to ‘feel better’ because it is ‘in the past.’
  • Second, recognize that intention, only matters after an effective apology and amends. “I didn’t mean to run over your dog,” doesn’t bring your dog back to life. Many Lumberjacks feel like if they can just explain how bad they feel, or how they didn’t mean to do it, somehow that will make everything OK and you should forgive them (see my blog on forgiveness here). Awwww contraire mon frere. A Lumberjack informing the tree how bad THEY feel after each chop is not amends. It is a pain competition.
  • Finally, and sadly, sometimes an angry tree’s best tool is a boundary (see my article on boundaries here). Giving up anger can only happen when you feel safe, and nobody is safe in a pain competition. In fact, you may be experiencing gaslighting.

Knowing the origins of anger, why it persists from the past into the present, and how it affects everything is handy when you are a Lumberjack living with someone who is angry with you. It can also help if you are an angry tree trying to live with a Lumberjack in recovery. Counseling can help you both find a path back to a good relationship through amends and healthy boundaries.

Not so much if you are the scar-covered tree living with a skilled Lumberjack. If you feel you are a victim of gaslighting please do a You Tube search for ‘gaslighting,’ ‘emotional abuse,’ and ‘psychological abuse.’ Close your eyes and listen to the videos. If you are a victim of gaslighting get help today. You don’t have to fix this on your own, you don’t have to prove you are in pain, and you don’t have to do this by yourself.  You don’t have to be angry anymore.

Infidelity, Hunger, and Bank Robbery: Emotions Make Terrible Drivers

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Crime and Empathy

I cannot know what it is like to rob a bank. Or, maybe I can, but I haven’t yet. I do, however, know what it is like to press my right foot against the gas pedal a little harder, to consciously look away from my speedometer, to cast glances at my rear-view and side-view mirrors for police, and to mentally practice the, “My husband was supposed to get my speedometer fixed officer. It’s been off five miles per hour for months,” speech.

I know what it’s like to want something so badly, even if it is just to get to  Trader Joe’s before it closes or to my daughter’s volleyball practice so the coach won’t count her late, that I cheat a little. This little nugget of self-realization means while I truly don’t know the urge to rob a bank, as a human with my own law-breaking nature, I can’t look down my nose at the person who does.

Hangry and Lonely

Urge (and its cousin crave) is a funny word. In Alcoholics Anonymous and Allanon we use the acronym H.A.L.T. to describe typical urges. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I work with clients I often add ‘thirst’ and ‘need to potty’ to that list. Urges are good things and key to our survival. If I am hungry, I need to eat. If I postpone eating, I won’t get less hungry as time goes by. In fact, I will grow more hungry and until I eat, I will enlist my emotions to make that happen. Unfortunately emotions are terrible behavior drivers.

For example let’s say I skip lunch and arrive home from work and see my kids’ toys in the driveway. Hungry now looks like anger and I yell at my kids about their toys. Once I eat, all is well with the world. Another example might be, what if I am a shy person and I feel lonely much of the time. I don’t recognize lonely but I do recognize the chocolate cake in my fridge. Instead of calling a friend (which is hard for me) I eat a chocolate cake. The result? I get a  wonderful  endorphin/serotonin hit from the cake but when I crash, I’m still lonely. I may never be brave enough to phone a friend, but I don’t have to be. I know where the cake is.

Urges and Healthy Behaviors

Emotions and urges are brothers-in-arms.  They are designed to work with cognition (our thoughts) to initiate behavior that keeps us healthy.  Go back to my ‘need to potty’ urge and see what I mean. You’re having a lovely conversation with the queen when your lunch begins to turn somersaults in your tummy. You know avoiding this urge is an invitation to disaster so you think of an excuse to politely exit the conversation and go take care of yourself. Rule of thumb? The longer you fight the urges, the sicker you become.

Counseling is about teaching our clients the language for urges so they can match them up with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Like a miles-long contrail in the sky indicates there is a tiny jet way up there somewhere, infidelity, restricting food, or substance abuse are signs of underlying unmet urges. Unmet urges indicates there’s a lot of pain in there.

Where there is pain there is impulsivity, over-indulgence, restricting, and even healthy-looking things like high performance discipline routines, super healthy eating (orthorexia) and over training (follow David Goggins, author of Can’t Hurt Me if you don’t believe me). Over-ANYTHING can be a sign you have unmet urges (suffering) that you are trying to meet with behavior that completely misses the target. Welcome to humanity.

Healthy Humans

When you make an appointment, counselors don’t judge you because we’ve all been there. We all have urges we’ve allowed to dictate our speed, our relationships, and our health. Your counselor’s job?

  1. Help the hurting identify underlying emotions so they can
  2. Disconnect unhealthy responses to normal emotions and
  3. Reconnect something that IS healthy and will positively affect their job, relationships, health, and freedom.

If you are struggling, you must take care of yourself. Need help? Worried about your own unhealthy behavior? Call a counselor today.

 

What is a Boundary Anyway?

Friday, January 22nd, 2016

 

 

 

cowbigeyes

Good boundaries are a part of any good relationship. In fact, a relationship without boundaries will almost always have other symptoms: violence, emotional arguments, infidelity, addiction, emotional cutoffs, or debilitating enabling. The problem with boundaries? They can be hard on a relationship. The boundary-setter finds it hard because he dreads retaliation from the boundary-receiver. The boundary-receiver finds it hard because, well, no one really LIKES to receive a boundary. Here are three things everyone in a relationship needs to know about boundaries:

  1. Boundaries are designed to protect the boundary-setter, not the boundary receiver. Let’s say you love your neighbor, you love your neighbor’s cows, and you love your yard. You do not, however, love your neighbor’s cows IN your yard. In fact, you are starting to lose your serenity because of it. Since you value your yard and your serenity, you decide to build a fence. The cows are a little miffed because they can’t get to your grass and your neighbor is a little miffed because his view is now marred by your fence. You, on the other hand, feel pretty good because you have your serenity and your yard. Maybe your neighbor will realize your serenity helps the relationship and grow to appreciate your fence. Maybe he will harbor hurt feelings over your fence and never speak to you again.

Lesson: You built a fence because you started valuing your peace more than your neighbor’s peace. There is a possibility the relationship with your neighbor will suffer because of this shift. There is also a possibility the relationship will become better than ever.

  1. Boundaries are not the same as telling someone what to do. Let’s say you have the same neighbor, the same cows, the same yard, and the same budding resentment. You realize that a fence might hurt your neighbor’s feelings so you are going to try some things that are ‘less offending’ than a fence. Here’s what you try:
    1. You try to talk to your neighbor and tell him that if he cared about you he’d keep his cows on his own side.
    2. You tell your neighbor that it’s just common sense to keep his cows under control and if had any common sense, he would do that.
    3. You repeat 1. and 2. at all social gatherings, barbecues, and kids’ birthday parties until eventually he goes the other way when he sees you coming.
    4. You file a restraining order against your neighbor and his cows.
    5. You shoot the cows when they come in your yard.

Lesson: Nagging, guilt trips, threats, and acts of violence are attempts to change or control another person. Unlike boundaries they rarely protect your yard or your serenity and they always damage relationships.

  1. Boundaries will always require a change in your behavior, not your neighbor’s. Did the neighbor have a right to graze his cows on your grass? No. Did you have a right to be angry? Sure. Is it fair that you had to spend money and time and energy to build the fence when his cows are the problem? Yes. After all, you care more about your serenity (and your yard) than your neighbor does. Lesson: If you value it, then it’s up to you to protect it.

So the next time you are considering action because of a partner (or a neighbor) remember the difference between boundary setting and controlling. Boundaries are uncomfortable, sometimes costly, strategies designed to protect you. Controlling strategies are designed to change someone else’s behavior so you are more comfortable. Boundaries have the added benefit of improving a relationship. Controlling almost always results in relationship damage.

Kate Walker Ph.D., LPC, LMFT

Adjusting to a New School: Anxiety and Making Friends

Monday, August 31st, 2015

In this uncertain economy, relocating is usually accepted by the grateful job hunter as just a part of the job description. The impact on the children cannot be minimized, however, and children will process the event in their own way depending on their age, the number of past moves they can recall, and the distance that will be traveled. Important questions are: Will there be an acculturation issue?  Will there be a language barrier?  Has your child ever visited the area in which you intend to relocate? Guarding against new school anxiety is all about learning the landscape.

Here are some things the experts recommend when adjusting to a new school and town:

1. Make choosing a school a team effort.  If you’re choosing between a few schools, talk with your child about what each one has to offer. After you choose the school, allow your child to visit and take a tour. This will greatly reduce new school anxiety.

2. Take time to say goodbye to the old school. Make a scrapbook, or ask all the kids in the class sign a T-shirt, picture frame, or an autograph book. Make sure you also give old friends and teachers information about how to stay in touch with your child.

3. Keep a positive focus! Present the new school as a place where they will learn new things and make friends.

4. Encourage school involvement. Your child is more likely to engage academically if he/she feels connected through a school activity, club or sport. Ask:

  • What are your goals for the school year?
  • How are you going to get involved in school outside of the classroom?
  • What is your favorite thing to do right now and how might you find others like you?

5. If you are moving your family to a location where a different language is spoken, think about learning the language and culture together. Conversing at the dinner table only in the new language can lead to lots of laughs.

For younger children:

The Berenstain Bears Go to School, by Stan and Jan Berenstain (Random House, 1978)
Arthur’s Teacher Trouble, by Marc Brown (Trumpet, 1986)

This was originally published in 2012 but it is still a great resource!

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX.

 

Compassion Fatigue: Seeking a Caregiver Support Group and PTSD Support

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012

What does a caregiver have in common with a soldier, firefighter, and doctor? Compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue (CF) stems from the daily sustained amount of compassion and energy required when caring for an individual with special needs or a chronic health condition.

Symptoms of CF can be similar to the signs of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and may erupt as caregivers begin to absorb pain from the individuals they are caring for. Mental health symptoms such as anger, fatigue, depression, anxiety, loss of joy, and hopelessness are common. This is detrimental to both parties and ultimately deteriorates the quality of care being provided. Ultimately the caregivers may need the same kind of PTSD support.

We know self-care benefits caregivers but many times caregivers neglect their health and ignore the early warning signs of CF. As they push themselves to maintain the strength to forever care for their loved one, a superhuman mentality prevails and self care takes a backseat. This may lead not only to the symptoms of CF but also relationships issues.

As the mother of a young child with special needs, I know first-hand self care is critical in maintaining longevity as a caretaker. The first step is awareness. If you are uninformed about CF you may not understand the behaviors you must change and the ramifications if you do not. The second step is to re-train your thoughts about self-care. It is not selfish to refuel yourself as you care for your child. Think about the flight attendant telling you to put your oxygen mask on first – if you are not OK you cannot help your child.

The third step is to retrain your behavior as you retrain your thoughts. Simply stated one must exercise, connect with other grown-ups, talk, cry, journal, meditate, dance, eat healthy, sing, take a warm bath, pick flowers, doodle, pray, and most importantly, laugh out loud. A caregiver support group may be a good outlet for sharing your experience with others. If you find you are doing these things and not gaining any pleasure or benefit, talking with a professional can help.

Mothers Who Work

Friday, September 14th, 2012

From PTO boardrooms to corporate boardrooms everywhere, the debate rages on. What is better for kids, a mom who works full time outside the home or a stay at home mom who works as a full time parent and homemaker? Just as important, what is better for the mom? First we must be clear that both types of moms are working moms and there is no such thing as a mom who doesn’t work.

If we look back in history we find mothers who work in fields while older and younger women in the village worked to nurse and care for the children. During the industrial revolution we saw both moms and children working to earn money for the family. Children with working mothers in this instance were likely to accompany their mom to work.

Today in third-world cultures women work from dusk till dawn securing sustenance for the family. There is no such thing as a mom who doesn’t work, and moms that get enough sleep may be hard to come by too!

Today, it appears deciding to work outside the home versus inside may affect a mother’s health. A recent Akron University study found that mothers who worked full time steadily before and after the birth of their first child had better mental and physical health. The study by Dr. Frech and her co-author, Sarah Demaske considered nearly 30 years of data provided by 2,540 mothers as participants in the National Longitudinal Study of Youth.

Far from being a ‘call to work’ for stay at home mothers or a condemnation of personal choices made by women based on advantages and disadvantages, the study hopes to illuminate that choosing to work full time outside the home as a mom is not a bad thing. Those mothers dealing with the guilt of leaving children with caregivers to work outside the home can perhaps feel a little better knowing first, mothers have been doing the same thing for millennia, and second, they may be doing something positive for their own health and wellbeing. The best careers for moms are the ones that they choose be it staying home going to work or a balance of both.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D., LPC, LMFT  has experience assisting adolescents and their families with issues such as addiction, anger management, depression, anxiety, communication, parenting, and stress management.

 

Coping Strategies for Stress: The Consequences of Stress and How to Overcome Stress

Monday, May 14th, 2012

I’d like you to imagine an adorable two year old. Now imagine that two year old poking your arm because she wants a cookie. Think to yourself, ‘it’s not so bad, she’ll stop soon,’ or something like that. The poking goes on and on for days. Then weeks. Then years.

Ridiculous, isn’t it? Most of us would manage the little darling’s behavior right away. Whether she got a cookie or a time out, I bet you wouldn’t just allow her to keep poking you!

Stress, like the terrible twos, can’t just be ignored. When you don’t take an active role in managing your stress, the hormones secreted in conjunction with the stress reaction never really subside. While the exact link between stress and illness isn’t always clear, we can say with confidence that stress is a factor in many common illnesses.

What are the consequences of stress and its impact on a body? The first things you might notice are the physical symptoms. You experience stomach aches, your shoulders are tight, or you have more migraine headaches. Perhaps you’re tired all the time, you have trouble sleeping, your appetite changes, or you’re just not as active as you used to be. You might even have unexplained pain.

Whether you are ‘marrying someone or burying someone’ your body interprets any change as stress. The goal is not to eliminate stress, but rather to develop coping strategies for stress manage and cope with the stress that is an inevitable part of life, and avoid stressors like toxic relationships and work environments. If you are having trouble with how to overcome stress or how to eliminate stress from your life, and you are already noticing the physical and emotional changes, it may be time to ask for help.

Some good resources are the Mayo Clinic’s guide to coping with work stress http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coping-with-stress/SR00030 and the Centers for Disease Control’s guide to coping with stress due to violence and injury http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/coping_with_stress_tips.html.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX.