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Archive for the ‘Dating’ Category

New Relationship Issues: Past Relationship Sharing

Monday, February 17th, 2014

When is sharing too much information about past relationships a problem? As a therapist I find it hard to tell couples to ignore the past when the past is evident in so much of their daily lives. While I would agree that “ex talk” may not be appropriate for first, second, or even third dates, it is clear that sharing experiences and lessons learned is an easy way to create intimacy. Since intimacy is the goal of a healthy relationship, sharing can be enhanced by avoiding these two common mistakes: over-sharing and negativity.

Before blurting out how your ex cheated and broke your heart, think about how that information may affect your companion. Is this conversation going to define the date? Will the information show that you are capable of learning from the past and setting expectations for future relationships? Focus on why the relationship ended and what it taught you. As your relationship matures you can share more.

Communication is not only about what is said but also how it is said. If you are using these precious moments to bash an ex and discuss all of his or her flaws, it may appear that you aren’t really over that relationship. If your ex cheated, say that. No need to tell how you found out, what you did, and if/when or how you sought revenge. If you use that moment to discuss the confidence you have gained in yourself and what you need from a partner you will create a space for dialog, expectations, and your possible future together.

Take these possibly uncomfortable moments and turn them into ways to advertise your maturity and confidence along with your expectations for your future partner. By choosing to highlight your strengths rather than your ex’s flaws your new suitor gets to know you and not your “horrible ex.”

Eboni Harris, MA, LPC Intern, LMFT Associate

Singles and Dating: Depression and Loneliness in the Winter

Monday, January 28th, 2013

Winter has come and I can’t help but notice a trend that repeats each year. In the less warm months, many younger people begin feverishly looking for “the one.” There seems to be the hope among single individuals that it is important to find someone to spend the cold, depressing winter months with while dealing with loneliness.

A study advised that being physically cold leads to a pining for psychological warmth. Volunteers were shown a love film in a cold setting. The warmer volunteers became, the less lonely they felt. As a consultant, I note many times that my clients enter relations in November or December under false hope, only to have the relationship end as fast as the spring heat hits the air.

Not only do I see this trend in my counseling sessions, I also see it in my group of pals. For instance, I had just went to the hair salon and my stylist’s telephone rang many times while I was sitting in her chair. With a deep sigh, she announced that she had been getting phone calls from exes or past flings for a couple of weeks. She rapidly decided that these were just fellows looking for someone to help their isolation and to keep them warm on these cold nights.

Studies are telling use we are more prone to loneliness and depression when we are cold. It looks to follow that it might be sensible to think a touch more before making decisions about entering into a relationship when we are cold. Put simply, when you’re cold, maybe you should not go home with that guy from the bar or cling to the casual relationship with the man you “kinda” like but do not truly see a future with.

As we enter the New Year, resolve to make better choices this winter so you aren’t spending spring recovering from a winter fling.

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